


All The Things I Should Say

by AestheticGalaxy



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Baz is either angsty or horny we all know this, Baz's Journal, Letters, Lots of rhetorical questions, M/M, Mostly Dialogue, Only rated mature for references to sexual acts, Or at least Baz thinks about it, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 18:31:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20394235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AestheticGalaxy/pseuds/AestheticGalaxy
Summary: 5th September 2019Whenever I'm falling in my sleep, when I'm plummeting to my fictitious death as the world around me comes into view as it rises higher into the sky, you're always the one to catch me. You're always there to catch me.





	1. Autumn Pining

**Author's Note:**

> A real summary: Baz's step mum Daphne buys him a journal to write in because she's worried that he bottles a lot of things up; Baz only uses it to write about Simon.
> 
> Alternate Title: Baz is a pining bastard

_5th September 2019_

Whenever I'm falling in my sleep, when I'm plummeting to my fictitious death as the world around me comes into view as it rises higher into the sky, you're always the one to catch me. You're always there to catch me.

I've not quite figured out what this means yet. I've always been one for symbolism, how a simple object or action can mean a thousand different things all at once without being explicitly said is beautiful, but this is just frustrating. Is it because you're always there when everything horrible is happening to me? That my life is spiralling down and you're the only sense of stability in my painful existence I dare to call life?

Or is it more literal in the fact I'm falling, only for you to catch me? 

Literal in the fact that I fell for you.

I don't know. It's stupid to fixate on something like this. I'm going to sleep.

_12th September 2019_

You're lay there, three feet away, drooling in your blissful unawareness of all the thoughts racing through my mind.

What would it feel like if I just reached my hand over there and tucked away your unruly bronze curls? To trace my hand over your freckled face and push at your bottom lip with my thumb?

I dream that you'd look up at me with your soft blue eyes as you take my thumb and show me what your beautiful mouth can do. When in reality you'd most likely kick off and run screaming to the Mage before you go and shag your girlfriend.

Why did it have to be you of all people? I could have any boy at Watford provided they were into men, but the only one I want is you. The one who is painfully heterosexual. The one who hates me. The Chosen One.

I guess you are a pretty bad chosen one, at least, you are for me.

_19th September 2019_

You caught me off guard today. I was in our bathroom when you had decided to come back to the room. I'm assuming that you didn't know I was there because you were _singing_.

You weren't too good at it, but my dead heart melted at the sound of you stumbling your way through Centuries by Fall Out Boy. I heard some uneven shuffling across the floor that I can only assume was your attempt at dancing.

How have I survived being around you for so long and not holding you close to me?

_26th September 2019_

Watching you fawn over Wellbelove is honestly pathetic. However, watching her fawn over me is just sickening.

I must admit, the two of you breaking up was for the better. Not because I'm hopelessly in love with you, but because she wasn't. She may have cared for you, but she certainly didn't love you.

Wellbelove is a nice girl; she doesn't want to deal with the World of Mages. She doesn't deserve to just be someone's 'prize' at the end of the war.

You two didn't deserve each other. It was only going to end in tears.

And now you're upset. You're laying there with your face shoved into a pillow because you don't dare to face reality. I want to comfort you, to be able to tell you that it's okay, that you're okay. Merlin, I wish I could do that. But I can't.

I wish I was allowed to love you.

_3rd October 2019_

You got over the crying stage pretty quickly, but looking at the dents in the walls on your side of the room indicates that you still aren't handling it well. You even tried to confront me at one point which was, amusing.

'You're in love with Agatha!'

'Snow, if I were in love with Wellbelove I would've saved her from you much sooner.'

Your face was angry and confused, that's all you seem to be recently. I don't understand how Bunce deals with you.

I must admit, there's something about seeing you angry. Your magic leaks everywhere and suffocates me (more than it usually does).

That's what you are, suffocating. Not in the way when you're always here, constantly getting on my nerves (although, you were in fifth year). No. Being near you feels like choking on rose petals. It's soft and sweet, even though its slowly, ever so slowly, torturing me in the best way possible. And no matter how much it kills me, I gladly let them fill up my throat.

One day, Simon Snow, you're going to kill me; I'll let you, no matter what method you use.

_10th October 2019_

It took two weeks, but you're finally over her. You seem happier now. I'm glad to see it.

Over this past week, I had to go talk to Bunce and ask her to make you stop moping over Wellbelove. She said that she even took away the 'talking-about-Baz-limit' to try and make you cheer up.

Do you honestly talk about me so much that your best friend had to put a limit on it? I'll entertain the thought that it's because you're hopelessly in love with me as well and you don't know how to handle it.

I wish that were the truth. Realistically I know it's because you think I'm always plotting your demise somewhere. Honestly Snow, the things I think about most that involve you often have _me_ on my knees so you shouldn't worry so much.

I don't really want to hurt you. If it were up to me, I would've never tried to hurt you in the first place.

_17th October 2019_

Alright, I love you, but you really are a prick aren't you?

You're already the human embodiment of the fucking sun do you really have to use all the hot water? Is that why your skin is always so fucking warm?

Or maybe it's because you manage to inhale all the scones before they even reach 30 degrees.

Is that why you always smell like smoke? Because you're constantly burning up inside?

If that were the reason then I should smell like smoke as well. After all, you set my heart on fire.

And it's not going out.

_24th October 2019_

Wellbelove asked me out. It was horrifying.

I couldn't explain to her that I was gay and hopelessly in love with her ex.

I had to put her down gently. I did admit to me being gay but I didn't dare admit how in love I am with you.

Thankfully she understood. She began asking me questions like how I figured out I was gay and all that stuff. She seemed very interested for some reason as if trying to figure out a puzzle. But then she asked a question that floored me.

How do you know when you're in love with someone?

I don't know how to explain it. It's like drowning. Graphic, I know. At first, you start off swimming, everything is fine, you've got this. The water is warm and you know how to swim. But then the current drags you off into a deeper part of the water, and your limbs have stopped moving. You slowly sink lower and lower as the water consumes your body. You try to swim back up, hold your breath, but eventually, you realize that all your effort is futile. You then give up, and you let it consume you.

Or at least, that's how it was for me.

_31st October 2019_

I'll admit, Halloween is quite a fun Normal holiday. A lot of mages tend to not celebrate it considering the stigma around witches in Normal culture is at a high around this time of year. However, I see it as a misunderstanding that blew out of proportion, so I'll let it slide.

Frankly, this year, I'm going to mess with you. I got a cloak and plastic fangs and hopefully, Dev's pulled through with the fake blood I asked for. I would use real blood but I'd probably lick it all clean at some point during the night. I asked Wellbelove to help me with this prank.

I'm going to take her away from you, asking to speak to her in private. Crowley knows you'll follow us eventually. We're going to stage that I'm turning her (I'll make sure to feed well before all of this).

Sometimes I've just gotta be a little mean to you.

_7th November 2019_

It was put off for a while after the sparklers incident, but we finally got to celebrate bonfire night.

I hate this occasion. The whole school gathers around a massive bonfire as we throw dolls made of straw dressed like Guy Fawkes and light it all on fire. I hate it for two reasons.

One - I'm flammable as fuck. I have to stand incredibly far away just to make sure I don't accidentally catch on fire.

Two - The whole school grounds smells like you. The smell of smoke is inescapable. The only way I can get away from it is either going to the wavering wood or to the catacombs

Sometimes I don't want to escape. Sometimes I pretend, as the fireworks light up the sky, that you're right next to me, and we're not fighting. We're just standing there as colours fill a dark blue canvas of stars. Sometimes I'll imagine that imaginary Snow lays his head on my shoulder, but that's a little too soft, the image only lasts a few seconds before I realize how ridiculous it is.


	2. Winter Loving

I rush down to breakfast to try and find Penny. I've got to tell her about this. It's a breakthrough. Eventually, I spot her sitting at our usual table, pushing food around her plate. I run over and slam my findings onto the table. She looks up at me and sighs.

"I found it," I say as if she'll know what I'm talking about. I then realize that she doesn't when she furrows her eyebrows at me.

"You found, what exactly?"

"Baz's plots!" Penny takes the book from my hands to inspect it.

It's a black leather-bound book that has two clasps at one side to try and keep it closed. I can only assume Baz has used magic to keep it shut. There's a design at the front that depicts a compass pointing North-East which intrigues me. It looks just like another one of Baz's posh notebooks, but I know something sinister is depicted inside.

"I don't know Si, maybe it's just a journal," Penny says, going back to the plate of food in front of her. "Not everything Baz does is evil."

"Are you sure about that?"

"You remember the bathroom incident, that wasn't evil, was it?"

I feel heat rising to my face recalling that day. To my knowledge, Baz still doesn't know that it happened, but I've still always felt guilty about catching him doing _that_ in the shower.

It was a confusing day.

"I'll prove to you it's evil!" I shout a little too loudly; I feel a few people turning to stare at me. "Just help me open it and I'll let it go."

"What if it's his diary! We can't invade his privacy like that!"

"What if it's not! What if he admits to being a vampire in this thing? Or his evil plan to kill me!"

"You're not going to let it go until I open it are you?"

"Nope!" I say, popping the 'p'. I feel like for the first time in a while, I might have just won something against Baz. If he does admit his evil plan in here, or at least to being a vampire, I can expose him for good. I'll finally be able to get rid of him.

Part of my chest weirdly stings at the thought. I think it's just the adrenaline in my veins right now.

Penny starts muttering a few spells, trying to open the book. It finally works when she uses **"Key to your heart"** and the clasps automatically open up. She hands the book over to me and my heart is pounding. Penny seems unenthusiastic about it all but I feel like a ten-year-old struggling to sleep on Christmas Eve. I open up the book and begin reading. Surprisingly, it only starts on the fifth of September. Weird.

The first entry is confusing. Who the fuck is Baz even talking about? Has Baz had a crush on someone this whole time?

The second entry makes it more clear. The rest of it makes it painfully obvious.

_Bronze curls. Soft blue eyes. The Chosen One. I wish I was allowed to love you. I'll entertain the thought that it's because you're hopelessly in love with me as well and you don't know how to handle it. After all, you set my heart on fire. I was gay and hopelessly in love with her ex._

_I wish I was allowed to love you._

I'm sat in pure shock. Baz is in love with me? Baz _is_ in love with me. Baz loves me.

I must have zoned out too hard because Penny flicks me in the nose to get my attention.

"You alright Si?" She asks, concerned. I can't tell her this. I can't. I shouldn't have read his diary. I shouldn't have done it. She was right. Penny is always right.

"I-I have to go."

"Simon, you haven't even eaten anything yet!"

"It doesn't matter!"

* * *

I'm sprinting back to the room with the book. I need to put it back where I found it and pretend I never saw it. I can't let Baz know I saw it. He'd kill me.

_I don't really want to hurt you. If it were up to me, I would've never tried to hurt you in the first place._

Fuck! I'm a horrible person. I should really learn to mind my own business sometimes. Why do I have to be such a nosy git sometimes?

I make it back to the room, but I think I'm living in a nightmare because Baz is laying on his bed reading another book. I hide the diary behind my back.

"Thought you'd be off scoffing down all the scones," he says, flicking a page of the book he's reading.

_You manage to inhale all the scones before they even reach 30 degrees._

"Baz I- I did something bad," the words slip out before I can stop them. He looks up at me curiously, an eyebrow raised.

"And you're telling me because?"

I don't dare to say it. I know it was wrong, disgusting, horrible. I just hold out the diary to him.

He squints his eyes at first trying to see what it is. He looks towards the open clasps.

"Did- did you-?

"I'm so sorry."

"What the fuck, Snow!" Baz screams, snatching the book out of my hands. "You had no fucking right!"

"I know."

"What possibly possessed you to make you think this was okay!"

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

He sits back on his bed and shoves the diary between the gap in the wall and the bed. He quickly moves his hand to cover his eyes. 

"How much did you read?" He asks, his voice shaky.

I fidget with my hands. "All of it," I admit. No point in lying to him now.

He takes his hand from his face and looks toward the ceiling. I take a moment to notice it, but Baz is starting to cry. The tears are welling up at the edge of his eyes and threatening to spill over.

_ I want to comfort you, to be able to tell you that it's okay, that you're okay._

I hate seeing him like this. I just want him to throw some snarky comment my way, I'd rather he slap me in the face right now, Crowley knows I deserve it. Most of all, I want him to be able to treat me the way he details in the book. It's weird, I know. But I want him to caress my face, to hold me, to let me lean on his shoulder. I want to give him what he wants. Because deep down, I think it's what I want. Merlin, I think I want Baz. Since when was that a thing I wanted? _When wasn't it a thing you wanted?_ a small voice in the back of my head replies.

I want him to stop crying. He needs to stop crying. How do I make him stop crying?

I act on instinct.

_I_ kiss _him_.

* * *

Snow is kissing me. _Snow_ is kissing _me_.

I almost want to push him off because I know it's just because he feels bad but it's making everything worse. I think I'm sobbing harder than before; I can taste it along with the taste of Snow's mouth.

Snow's mouth. Snow's mouth is on mine. It's so warm and consuming. I can't think. He's doing this thing with his chin and I can feel that I'm losing myself. Is this a good kiss? What he's doing certainly feels good to me.

He pulls away all too fast. He has this expression on his face, it looks all too serious. Snow brings his hand up to my face and gently wipes away a stray tear.

"Jesus, even when you cry you're fit," Snow swears like a Normal. He pushes my hair back and off my forehead as he does. "But still, please stop crying, beautiful."

He goes back in to kiss me again. I melt. It's not a declaration of love, but it's the best I'm going to get.

* * *

As I walk back into our room, Snow quickly moves something underneath the pillow and then tries to pretend like I didn't see him fumbling. He smiles widely at me.

"What was that?" I ask, pointing towards his pillow. Snow plasters the worst confused face on.

"What was what?" He nervously laughs. The mole beside his right dimple twitches lightly. I simply walk over to him and reach my hand underneath the pillow to try and grab whatever it was. Snow jumps up and tries to stop me but it's useless. I grab the thing.

It's a leather-bound book with a familiar compass detail. I recognize it instantly.

"Seriously? You're reading this again?" I laugh lightly, walking to the other side of the room.

"Hey! Don't insult my favourite book!"

"Don't get me wrong, I think it's adorable." I slip into my side of the bed, immediately moving over to wrap my arms around Snow.

"You know, our anniversary isn't for a few months, you'd have time to write another if you wanted," Snow suggests. He twists his body to face me so I don't get wings in my face again. I laugh a little.

"I'll think about it." Snow tucks his head below my chin. He has this weird fixation with my chest, I pretend I don't notice. I do.

"Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, Simon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this all in one day holy shit 
> 
> Also I apologize for this chapter I wrote it at 1/2am and nothing by me is ever beta read. I just run it through Grammarly so the pacing is probably off.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay yeah, schools normally have a half term in the middle of October but uhh 
> 
> *Suspension of Disbelief*
> 
> Also this was supposed to go up to the end of November but I could create many more things for Baz to rant about so,,, Sorry.  
Look forward for the second chapter soon!


End file.
